- Change a diaper in complete darkness.
- Stop an unexpected pee fountain mid-stream.
- Correctly identify one scream from another.
- Remember to shower regularly.
- Get dressed in anything other than hooded sweatshirts and yoga pants for the first month (or more) of their tiny life.
- Answer the same question exactly 100 times in the same day. Repeat the next day.
- In a matter of seconds, put down a hot (okay, lukewarm) cup of coffee to sprint across the room and catch them as they are jumping off a table.
- Drive between the lines and follow all the rules of driving while they are screaming incessantly behind you.
- Remember the list for grocery shopping as you are packing the 100 items they need for the 30 minute trip out to the store.
- Clean a bathtub full of poop.
- Not vomit when they spit up into your mouth.
- Not be totally mortified when a co-worker or worse, a complete stranger, finds something mysterious in the back of your hair (i.e. chewed carrot).
- Use the bathroom while breastfeeding your baby.
- Remember to eat something other than their leftover meals or snacks (yum, fruit snacks).
- Clean a wet bed (and baby/kid) in the dark without fully waking up.
- Walk through your house, in the dark, without impaling yourself on a Lego.
- Reach into the toilet to depths unimaginable to retrieve whatever it is they shoved down there.
- Endlessly search the internet for that one lovey they lost at the park and won't sleep without and pay an ungodly amount for it to be delivered tomorrow.
- Cook a hot meal for everyone in your family that includes every important food group and isn't gross or burned or full of artificial ingredients.
- Find every sized screwdriver ever created for the hundreds of battery compartments you need to open and close.
- Not freak out and call an exorcist every time a random toy goes off after all the kids are bed.
- Watch the same Mickey Mouse Clubhouse episode a thousand times.
- Help them blow their nose while driving.
- Catch vomit in a plastic shopping bag while driving.
- Find a lost toy in a matter of minutes after everyone else in the house has "looked" everywhere for it.
- Yell the right child/pet's name when they are doing something wrong.
- Not use the words "pee-pee" and "poo-pie" when telling an adult you need to use the bathroom.
- Not spray them in Lysol every time they return home from school.
- Read the same awful book before bedtime every single night without wanting to burn it in the fireplace.
- Assemble a toy using directions that are just pictures and make no sense.
- Know the names of every single superhero and Disney princess.
- Cutting up food to unimaginable pieces so that there is zero risk of choking.
- Kiss a boo-boo and actually make it feel 100% better!
The reward? Pass or Fail, you always will end up with a toothless smile, a giant hug, a sloppy kiss and endless love.
I'm sure I didn't cover every random "test" ever experienced by parents and I know I have many, many more to go through. However, there isn't a single one I wouldn't go through again.
Please comment below and share your experiences in your journey through parenthood.
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